silverhawk79: (Default)
This has been the recurring theme of my life. Mostly, emotional abandonment, or some deep rooted fear of it, has kept me from standing up for myself or making waves. It started with my parents, and has shadowed my two marriages, all my long-term romantic relationships, and probably more than half my relationships with people just generally. Because I was afraid that my value was somehow tied to what others thought of me, and whether they thought I was worth being around. Because somehow, just existing didn't merit me a place of my own, or an inherent value beyond what I could do for other people.

A friend very recently did a shamanic style journey for me and cut the cord that was tethering me in the cesspool that was my emotionally abandoned life. I already feel the change.

Things that would have kept me "in my place" even a couple weeks ago no longer bother me.

You want to leave me to clean up your mess while you go have fun? Bye, Felicia. Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. Or rather, let it. I don't care.

You want to threaten me with cutting off contact if I don't do as you wish? Screw you and the horse you rode in on. I don't give a flying fuck anymore.

You want me to live my life in fear of rejection or abandonment-- physical or emotional-- so you can continue to benefit while I slowly lose my mind? Sorry, pal. Here's a dollar, go buy yourself a nice hot cup of STFU and get thee gone.

Now, to clear out the cesspool so it becomes the pleasant swimming hole it was always meant to be.

True Love

May. 1st, 2017 12:27 pm
silverhawk79: (Default)
I wept, sitting, staring straight ahead. My heart ached. My mind raced. Then, suddenly, stillness overtook me. And that small, still voice in me said, "You begged me to bring you the love of your life, my dear, and I have. In fact, it's always been there. Can't you see? It's you. It's always been you. Look in the mirror and know that it's you, and never forget that."

silverhawk79: (Default)
I've been thinking a lot lately about what the point of all this is. About why I'm bothering to continue in this life. And it's led me to some very, very dark places.

I'm starting to come out of that, of course, because I have to. Because I fight it every day. But it has also make me think about the petty mess that my life has become. My connections with people vary from loose and shallow to deep and profound, as most people's do. The shallow ones, I'm thinking about abandoning for the most part, because they don't serve me anymore. They keep me distracted from what matters.

The deep and profound ones are with a handful of people, and I have, lately, found myself not connecting with even those people as I should.

So I'm taking steps to correct that. I don't want to have conversations anymore about the weather or what's on TV. I want to talk poetry, music, art, philosophy, religion, science, love. I want to know who or what hurt you so badly that you shy away from particular topics so that you don't cry in public. I want to know why you have the ideas you have-- but also, what ideas you have about changing the world or your place in it. I want to know everything that makes you, you.

Tell me everything under your name in the module, and I promise you, I will do the same.
silverhawk79: (Default)
There once was a girl... a very strange, enchanted girl... and she had some lessons to learn.

She learned one day that she was special. Oh, not that way-- not like a superhero or an alien or anything. But she had a purpose, though it took her years and years to discover what that purpose really was. And she did her best to fulfill that purpose, despite never being quite sure whether she was getting it just right, because there was no one to ask.

And she learned later that her purpose was connected to others like her. She met them, and everything seemed to click right away. Things fell into place. And at the tender age of 21, our heroine learned that she was supposed to do something Really Important. And over the next 7 years, she did that thing, to the best of her ability, working with these others-- some of whom she grew to despise because of their cruelty, or their pettiness, or their inability to see and apply sense to the purpose. She loved and lost, and loved again, and lost again. Because that was the cruel nature of the task at hand.

And after that 7 years of servitude, learning, growing, sacrificing everything to the purpose and the Really Important Thing that had to be accomplished, she thought she was done. The purpose was accomplished. The Really Important Thing was done. Everyone was safe. She could live her life in relative peace.

And then 10 years later, she found out that this wasn't the case. Not at all. The Really Important Thing she had helped to accomplish? It was in danger. Again. Because it will always be in danger. Her responsibilities as a leader, as a protector? Not discharged. Not by half.

But her struggles in her personal life had become a distraction. She loved her husband, but she had come to the sad and hurtful conclusion that their marriage had one purpose of its own, and that purpose was accomplished. By his absence, he showed her that he knew it, too. Her career had had its ups and downs, and had finally come to rest in a place where she could, on the surface, seemingly fight for justice-- but that justice was politically motivated, and so was justice denied in all but the most meaningless of circumstances.

And then she met and fell in love with someone with whom she shared her purpose, and this was perhaps the gravest error of all-- one she had committed twice before, and one she should have known better than to commit. But she couldn't help herself. Not at all, not even when she tried to back away. Because when you feel that click in your soul, sometimes, you can't help but say, "yes, this is right; this is what I want and need; this is what I deserve."

And over the months, as it became clearer to her that everything around her was crashing down specifically to distract her from the purpose, she laid down, distraught, sorely tempted to let it all burn and flood and sweep her away in a sodden pile of ash. But fire and storm not withstanding, weeping and bloodied in her spirit, she remembered who she was. She remembered that she had Really Important Things to do. She had Really Important People to protect. She got to her feet. She shook her fist at her enemy and said, "Not so fast, buddy. You don't get to defeat me that easily. En garde!"

Fair warning, fairly given. Once more unto the breach.


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