silverhawk79: (Default)
So, I've been thinking about how I approach people and how I approach life in general. I'm taking steps to make changes, so I don't get what I've always gotten. But this part is so very difficult.

My dad is an alcoholic. My mom was very codependent when I was growing up. I couldn't tell you for sure whether that changed when she split from my dad, but she does seem to be less codependent now than she was when I was little. Still though, that was my model. Always be the strong one, even when you're breaking inside and can barely stand. Never show that weakness. Sacrifice everything for someone until there's nothing left of yourself to give, because that's love. Stay in the relationship if you still love them, even if they're destroying you, because true love is all-sacrificing.

Well, fuck all that.

In the next phase of my life, I am looking for someone to take care of me a little, because I've never had that. I've been the caregiver forever. I want someone who is concerned about my well-being and who, without being asked a million times, helps me meet my needs. It would be a plus if he meets my needs all by himself, but I'm not going to ask that just yet. I don't want the pendulum to swing too far the other way. I also want someone with whom I can be utterly vulnerable, and trust that they will be there with me in that vulnerability without exploiting it.

There are other requirements, too, but I'm not going to list them here right now. I'm not looking right now anyway, and those other requirements might change by the time I am looking again.

Anyway, that's all for now. Thanks for listening.

Bad things

Jul. 17th, 2017 08:58 am
silverhawk79: (Default)
Some stuff happened the last two weekends that has convinced me I need to strengthen my boundaries and reorder my priorities.

I have been letting people manipulate my emotions.

I have been far too flexible with people in my life who do not make time for me, but instead share their spare time with me when it's convenient.

I have allowed others to make me an object of gossip, and to damage my reputation.

(As hard as I am working on not giving a spoon about what others think of me, it's hard when people who have known you for the better part of two decades believe a lie about you and spread it to others.)

So no more of that. If I come crashing down on you with something that feels like a new rule or a new line drawn in the sand, know that this is a protective measure for me. I'm tired of getting what I've always gotten, so I have to change what I'm doing to bring new, healthy things into my life.

Also, I have a new mantra: "I am an intelligent, independent, professional woman with a doctorate. I don't have time for your bullshit."

Thanks for listening.
silverhawk79: (Default)
I've been feeling like everything is unfair lately. It's stupid, because I know for a fact that life is never fair. That's just how things are. But part of me doesn't give a crap about logic or fact. Part of me only wants to wallow in hurt. This is the part of me that wants to hide in the blanket fort and cry all day.

I kicked that part of me today. Hard. I told it to STFU. Hurting is ok, but letting it stop me from being functional is not ok. Loving someone who has hurt me is ok; acting on it, pining for it, failing to move on from it, these are not acceptable. Feeling jealousy over my ex's luck and options is ok; letting it consume my life is not. Feeling is ok, but letting it spiral downward into the oblivion that is waiting for me is not. Even if it would be understandable under the circumstances. Even if another person in my shoes would crumble under the weight of this. Fuck that. It's not me.

There are other hurts as well that I'm not going to go into here. That's not what this is about, really. Those hurts are secondary to the primary hurt that is the end of my life as I've known it for 6 years. Maybe longer than 6 years. Maybe my whole life.

I'm moving on now, from this tragic bullshit. A lot of my posts have had the tag #byefelicia on them. That's exactly what is needed now-- an attitude of "get thee gone from my presence, because you are unworthy of my time and notice."

So now that I've felt the feelings, I'm going to let them go and move on.

Bye Felicia. May it work out for the best for you. I'm going my own way now.
silverhawk79: (Default)
I feel like I've been forcing things lately.

I've been forcing myself to do things that are outside my comfort zone, but for the wrong reasons. I've been forcing myself to stay awake when I need rest, for the sake of comfort that never comes. I've been forcing myself to contact people who don't really want to hear from me, mostly out of fear.

It's time to be a hermit a little bit and retreat into my shell.

I have a great capacity for intellectual discussion-- something I love, something I actually kind of thrive on-- but I am exhausted, and that has muddled my every conversation lately. Most of my thoughts these days are laden with anxiety, or are themselves so dark that they frighten me. These are signs of mental exhaustion, at least for me. When I am rested, focused, and at peace with myself, I don't feel this way or think this way. But for too long, I have let outside things influence that inner peace. There may be legitimate reasons for that influence, but it still has caused unnecessary chaos in any event. That stops now.

If you don't see me around as much, know that it's because I need this space, and not because I'm shadow dumping you.

I love you all.
silverhawk79: (Default)
This has been the recurring theme of my life. Mostly, emotional abandonment, or some deep rooted fear of it, has kept me from standing up for myself or making waves. It started with my parents, and has shadowed my two marriages, all my long-term romantic relationships, and probably more than half my relationships with people just generally. Because I was afraid that my value was somehow tied to what others thought of me, and whether they thought I was worth being around. Because somehow, just existing didn't merit me a place of my own, or an inherent value beyond what I could do for other people.

A friend very recently did a shamanic style journey for me and cut the cord that was tethering me in the cesspool that was my emotionally abandoned life. I already feel the change.

Things that would have kept me "in my place" even a couple weeks ago no longer bother me.

You want to leave me to clean up your mess while you go have fun? Bye, Felicia. Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. Or rather, let it. I don't care.

You want to threaten me with cutting off contact if I don't do as you wish? Screw you and the horse you rode in on. I don't give a flying fuck anymore.

You want me to live my life in fear of rejection or abandonment-- physical or emotional-- so you can continue to benefit while I slowly lose my mind? Sorry, pal. Here's a dollar, go buy yourself a nice hot cup of STFU and get thee gone.

Now, to clear out the cesspool so it becomes the pleasant swimming hole it was always meant to be.
silverhawk79: (Default)
My feelings have been all over the map of late. Last night, they came to a head around bedtime, as they so often do.

Jen warned me to hold off on thinking too much at bedtime for that reason, and to revisit things in the morning. Still, I couldn't stop the feelings I was having.

They stem from abandonment.

I've been emotionally abandoned by people I care about so many times that I spend most of my time waiting for the other shoe to drop. It takes forever for me to trust people with all my secrets, and there are maybe 3 people in the world who know all of them. And one of those three gets paid to listen to me ramble once a week.

The conclusion I've come to about that feeling is that I can't spend my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can't worry anymore about whether someone is going to walk away. If they walk away after I have trusted them and let them into my heart, that is outside my control. There isn't anything I can do about it, and anxietizing about it won't fix a damned thing.

So here goes the plunge into giving 0 fucks whether someone walks out the door on me. It's outside my control. And what I cannot control, I should no longer fear. It is inevitable, and I am more than strong enough to deal with whatever consequences arise from it.

Maiden

Apr. 4th, 2017 05:24 pm
silverhawk79: (Default)
Maiden
--------

I am a shrine maiden,
Tending the hearth of the temple,
Building a conflagration worthy
of Legend.

I am a shield maiden,
Leading warriors in battle,
Fighting for home and family
And Glory.

I am a maiden no longer,
Withered and hollow,
Wizened but without the wisdom
Of years.

Too long, I let
The labels define me,
Seeking honor, glory, legend
Instead of myself.

Catalyst

Dec. 23rd, 2016 05:08 pm
silverhawk79: (Default)
You arrived without fanfare one day,
Offered a helping hand,
Showed me your inner light,
And I was not afraid.

Truth was spoken,
Honest words, maybe, for the
First. Time. Ever.
Their imprint a smarting welt upon my spirit.

Gentle and brutal, both,
You are a dichotomy,
But no moreso
Than I am myself.

You are the catalyst,
The one who showed me
Not to think outside the box,
But destroy it entirely.

The Marla to my Jack,
You sowed the seed of change,
And now I can't imagine
My life without you.

And yet, you stand aloof
Waiting for some magical moment
Something to change,
Some sign to appear.

But I'm right here.
In stillness, waiting, right here.
silverhawk79: (Default)
Someday, my lovely, you will accept that you will never be enough for the wrong ones, but you are absolutely enough for the right ones.
silverhawk79: (Default)
I find myself faced with the age-old question: how much of my true self do I reveal to others-- even like-minded others-- who may not accept what I'm about to tell them? How much do I reveal, knowing I face scorn, rejection, and humiliation if I reveal it?

And can I take the scorn, rejection, and humiliation of my truest self?

I think the answer has to be a new one for me. Previously, I would not reveal these things because I was afraid of the rejection; because I experienced the rejection several times, in brutal and terrifying ways that nearly completely broke me, and certainly broke my heart.

But now... well, I can't stay silent anymore. I can't hide who I am anymore.

If I trust you with my secrets, will you betray that trust?

If I trust you with the deepest and most intimate parts of myself, the most intimate parts of my spirit, will you laugh and walk away?

If the answer is anything but a resounding "NO," kindly leave my presence now. You're not worthy to experience my next chapter. 

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