silverhawk79: (Default)
So, I've been thinking about how I approach people and how I approach life in general. I'm taking steps to make changes, so I don't get what I've always gotten. But this part is so very difficult.

My dad is an alcoholic. My mom was very codependent when I was growing up. I couldn't tell you for sure whether that changed when she split from my dad, but she does seem to be less codependent now than she was when I was little. Still though, that was my model. Always be the strong one, even when you're breaking inside and can barely stand. Never show that weakness. Sacrifice everything for someone until there's nothing left of yourself to give, because that's love. Stay in the relationship if you still love them, even if they're destroying you, because true love is all-sacrificing.

Well, fuck all that.

In the next phase of my life, I am looking for someone to take care of me a little, because I've never had that. I've been the caregiver forever. I want someone who is concerned about my well-being and who, without being asked a million times, helps me meet my needs. It would be a plus if he meets my needs all by himself, but I'm not going to ask that just yet. I don't want the pendulum to swing too far the other way. I also want someone with whom I can be utterly vulnerable, and trust that they will be there with me in that vulnerability without exploiting it.

There are other requirements, too, but I'm not going to list them here right now. I'm not looking right now anyway, and those other requirements might change by the time I am looking again.

Anyway, that's all for now. Thanks for listening.
silverhawk79: (Default)
I've been feeling like everything is unfair lately. It's stupid, because I know for a fact that life is never fair. That's just how things are. But part of me doesn't give a crap about logic or fact. Part of me only wants to wallow in hurt. This is the part of me that wants to hide in the blanket fort and cry all day.

I kicked that part of me today. Hard. I told it to STFU. Hurting is ok, but letting it stop me from being functional is not ok. Loving someone who has hurt me is ok; acting on it, pining for it, failing to move on from it, these are not acceptable. Feeling jealousy over my ex's luck and options is ok; letting it consume my life is not. Feeling is ok, but letting it spiral downward into the oblivion that is waiting for me is not. Even if it would be understandable under the circumstances. Even if another person in my shoes would crumble under the weight of this. Fuck that. It's not me.

There are other hurts as well that I'm not going to go into here. That's not what this is about, really. Those hurts are secondary to the primary hurt that is the end of my life as I've known it for 6 years. Maybe longer than 6 years. Maybe my whole life.

I'm moving on now, from this tragic bullshit. A lot of my posts have had the tag #byefelicia on them. That's exactly what is needed now-- an attitude of "get thee gone from my presence, because you are unworthy of my time and notice."

So now that I've felt the feelings, I'm going to let them go and move on.

Bye Felicia. May it work out for the best for you. I'm going my own way now.

Drive

May. 1st, 2017 07:16 pm
silverhawk79: (Default)
Drive
---------

Stick my hand out the window,
Catch the cool night air,
Moisture forming a cloud there.

It wasn't my tears.
It was never my tears.

Drive as fast as I can,
Winding roads disappearing
Behind the red tail lights.

I had no fear.
Never had any fear.

Put my heart out there,
Said what needed saying,
And you heard it.

But that wasn't my fear,
Never shed any tears.

The response was expected,
Anticipated even,
There could be no other way.

But still, here, there was fear.
Still, here, there were tears.

Worse now is the silence,
Because no matter the answer,
You're still my friend.

Forget all the tears,
Listen to me, and hear.

I'm fine, and I mean it.
Please know that--
Believe it.

I have no more fear.
There are no more tears.

I love you and miss you,
Because you're my friend,
And we share that bond.

I have no more fear.
I will shed no more tears.

Please don't walk away.
At least, not for good.
Let me know if you're not ok.

This is my real fear.
And this, this will leave me in tears.
silverhawk79: (Default)
I've been thinking a lot lately about what the point of all this is. About why I'm bothering to continue in this life. And it's led me to some very, very dark places.

I'm starting to come out of that, of course, because I have to. Because I fight it every day. But it has also make me think about the petty mess that my life has become. My connections with people vary from loose and shallow to deep and profound, as most people's do. The shallow ones, I'm thinking about abandoning for the most part, because they don't serve me anymore. They keep me distracted from what matters.

The deep and profound ones are with a handful of people, and I have, lately, found myself not connecting with even those people as I should.

So I'm taking steps to correct that. I don't want to have conversations anymore about the weather or what's on TV. I want to talk poetry, music, art, philosophy, religion, science, love. I want to know who or what hurt you so badly that you shy away from particular topics so that you don't cry in public. I want to know why you have the ideas you have-- but also, what ideas you have about changing the world or your place in it. I want to know everything that makes you, you.

Tell me everything under your name in the module, and I promise you, I will do the same.

Narcissus

Mar. 18th, 2017 09:54 am
silverhawk79: (Default)
Trying to get over
The feeling you never loved me.
You loved your reflection in me
Or what I could do for you.

Your charm beguiled me,
Made me believe I was
The only one for you.
But you were never going to be mine.

You made a vow to me,
But you had your fingers crossed.
Or maybe you never realized
How selfish you are.

Love is sacrifice
But a compromising one--
Both sides taking,
Both sides giving.

When the scales are
Out of balance too long
They tip, exposing
The lie beneath.

You never loved me.
You loved what I could do for you.
silverhawk79: (Default)
Someday, my lovely, you will accept that you will never be enough for the wrong ones, but you are absolutely enough for the right ones.
silverhawk79: (Default)

I recently said the following during a conversation with a friend about modern relationships and dating:

" I guess people just expect everything to be casual and easy. And it's not. Relationships take work. Feelings are hard. Be an adult or go home."

Relationships take a lot of work to maintain. Even the ones where everyone loves each other and they're happy and things are going well. They take work to maintain at the best of times. At the worst of times, they can become a murky and stormy sea of emotions that the best sailor has trouble navigating.

Anyway, some of you know that I'm having such a stormy sea experience currently.  In a prior friends only post, I went into specific detail as to our specific issues.

This morning, after spending the night in sorrow, prayer, and fitful sleep, I had a hard conversation with my loved one about these issues. We are going to try to make a go of it, but I had to say the words to him.  I had to tell him, "I want you to understand that even though we both want to work this out, it might not happen."

Because relationships are hard, even at the best of times.  Because there are no guarantees in this life. Because no matter how much you care about someone, or how awesome you each are individually, or even how much passion for or compatibility with each other you have, sometimes things become too broken to fix. Sometimes, love is not enough to land you safely ashore again.

Relationships take work, from both parties. Feelings are hard, even when there is love. Be an adult or go home.

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