silverhawk79: (Default)
I've been feeling like everything is unfair lately. It's stupid, because I know for a fact that life is never fair. That's just how things are. But part of me doesn't give a crap about logic or fact. Part of me only wants to wallow in hurt. This is the part of me that wants to hide in the blanket fort and cry all day.

I kicked that part of me today. Hard. I told it to STFU. Hurting is ok, but letting it stop me from being functional is not ok. Loving someone who has hurt me is ok; acting on it, pining for it, failing to move on from it, these are not acceptable. Feeling jealousy over my ex's luck and options is ok; letting it consume my life is not. Feeling is ok, but letting it spiral downward into the oblivion that is waiting for me is not. Even if it would be understandable under the circumstances. Even if another person in my shoes would crumble under the weight of this. Fuck that. It's not me.

There are other hurts as well that I'm not going to go into here. That's not what this is about, really. Those hurts are secondary to the primary hurt that is the end of my life as I've known it for 6 years. Maybe longer than 6 years. Maybe my whole life.

I'm moving on now, from this tragic bullshit. A lot of my posts have had the tag #byefelicia on them. That's exactly what is needed now-- an attitude of "get thee gone from my presence, because you are unworthy of my time and notice."

So now that I've felt the feelings, I'm going to let them go and move on.

Bye Felicia. May it work out for the best for you. I'm going my own way now.


May. 1st, 2017 07:16 pm
silverhawk79: (Default)

Stick my hand out the window,
Catch the cool night air,
Moisture forming a cloud there.

It wasn't my tears.
It was never my tears.

Drive as fast as I can,
Winding roads disappearing
Behind the red tail lights.

I had no fear.
Never had any fear.

Put my heart out there,
Said what needed saying,
And you heard it.

But that wasn't my fear,
Never shed any tears.

The response was expected,
Anticipated even,
There could be no other way.

But still, here, there was fear.
Still, here, there were tears.

Worse now is the silence,
Because no matter the answer,
You're still my friend.

Forget all the tears,
Listen to me, and hear.

I'm fine, and I mean it.
Please know that--
Believe it.

I have no more fear.
There are no more tears.

I love you and miss you,
Because you're my friend,
And we share that bond.

I have no more fear.
I will shed no more tears.

Please don't walk away.
At least, not for good.
Let me know if you're not ok.

This is my real fear.
And this, this will leave me in tears.


Apr. 24th, 2017 09:26 am
silverhawk79: (Default)
A few weeks ago, I made the decision to take a break from actively seeking dates. I changed some stuff on my profiles on dating websites, let the paid ones lapse, and only really responded to people who had already been in contact with me before I made the decision. I think that was more out of a desire to practice talking to other grown-ups in that context, as well as courtesy, than anything else.

Last week, I met someone for coffee. He was really nice, and funny, and he told me I gave him butterflies in his stomach before we met in person. He said my photos didn't do me justice. He wants to meet again.

And I don't feel anything for him. At all.

Just like all the other guys from the internet who have talked to me, sent me photos, whatever, in the last 2 months.

When I was single the last time, over 7 years ago, I might at least have felt flattered. Someone actually thinks I'm prettier than my pictures. Someone actually likes me, and I make them nervous in a good way.

But I don't. Not this time.

I feel like I just want to move on, immediately, because I know he's not the right one.

I feel like I want to give my affections to someone I actually love, and not waste my time elsewhere.

Someone said to me recently that I shouldn't have to think or consider what I feel. I should just feel it. And I guess the reason I found that concept so odd is because I always feel and then sort. I compartmentalize. I label and categorize and put things in a box for later consideration. Above all, I exercise caution and restraint before acting on a feeling. Because that's what I was always taught to do.

That needs to stop. How many times have my feelings, my instincts, been spot on? How many times could my own misery have been prevented if I had gone with my feelings and intuitions about things and not spent time logically considering every aspect and angle of things before making a decision?

True, logic has its place, even in affairs of the heart. But I've been giving it too much of a place.

So I guess this is where I stop exercising the amount of restraint I've had in telling people how I feel, for fear of hurting them or upsetting them or making things awkward. Here is where the thinking takes a far back seat to the feeling.

Be forewarned.


Apr. 4th, 2017 06:06 pm
silverhawk79: (Default)
I learned that I am strong and wise within, but also that I don't want to have to be strong all the time.

I learned that I miss *you*, I miss talking to you, I miss sending you silly memes and saying whatever ridiculous thing comes into my head, knowing you will immediately catch on to 98% of it. I miss all of you--- from your smirk, to the way you talk about music and poetry and the things that are important to you. I miss your ability to make light of almost any topic and cheer me up when I am sad and hurting. I miss being the one who will sit with you on the internet until all hours, crying for you because someone else broke your heart.

I love you. And I am in love with you. And I have been for months, even if you will never return the feeling.

And if you won't, then I need to find a way to do what I don't want to do--- be strong again--- and get over you. Because otherwise, I will never heal enough to find someone who *will* love me the way I deserve.

And the sad part is, right now, if you said to me that you loved me, I would do whatever you wanted, just to see you smile. And a loyalty like that, a love like that, deserves so much more than being strong and wise and alone. It deserves full reciprocation.
silverhawk79: (Default)
I've been thinking a lot lately about what the point of all this is. About why I'm bothering to continue in this life. And it's led me to some very, very dark places.

I'm starting to come out of that, of course, because I have to. Because I fight it every day. But it has also make me think about the petty mess that my life has become. My connections with people vary from loose and shallow to deep and profound, as most people's do. The shallow ones, I'm thinking about abandoning for the most part, because they don't serve me anymore. They keep me distracted from what matters.

The deep and profound ones are with a handful of people, and I have, lately, found myself not connecting with even those people as I should.

So I'm taking steps to correct that. I don't want to have conversations anymore about the weather or what's on TV. I want to talk poetry, music, art, philosophy, religion, science, love. I want to know who or what hurt you so badly that you shy away from particular topics so that you don't cry in public. I want to know why you have the ideas you have-- but also, what ideas you have about changing the world or your place in it. I want to know everything that makes you, you.

Tell me everything under your name in the module, and I promise you, I will do the same.


silverhawk79: (Default)

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