Apr. 24th, 2017 09:26 am
silverhawk79: (Default)
A few weeks ago, I made the decision to take a break from actively seeking dates. I changed some stuff on my profiles on dating websites, let the paid ones lapse, and only really responded to people who had already been in contact with me before I made the decision. I think that was more out of a desire to practice talking to other grown-ups in that context, as well as courtesy, than anything else.

Last week, I met someone for coffee. He was really nice, and funny, and he told me I gave him butterflies in his stomach before we met in person. He said my photos didn't do me justice. He wants to meet again.

And I don't feel anything for him. At all.

Just like all the other guys from the internet who have talked to me, sent me photos, whatever, in the last 2 months.

When I was single the last time, over 7 years ago, I might at least have felt flattered. Someone actually thinks I'm prettier than my pictures. Someone actually likes me, and I make them nervous in a good way.

But I don't. Not this time.

I feel like I just want to move on, immediately, because I know he's not the right one.

I feel like I want to give my affections to someone I actually love, and not waste my time elsewhere.

Someone said to me recently that I shouldn't have to think or consider what I feel. I should just feel it. And I guess the reason I found that concept so odd is because I always feel and then sort. I compartmentalize. I label and categorize and put things in a box for later consideration. Above all, I exercise caution and restraint before acting on a feeling. Because that's what I was always taught to do.

That needs to stop. How many times have my feelings, my instincts, been spot on? How many times could my own misery have been prevented if I had gone with my feelings and intuitions about things and not spent time logically considering every aspect and angle of things before making a decision?

True, logic has its place, even in affairs of the heart. But I've been giving it too much of a place.

So I guess this is where I stop exercising the amount of restraint I've had in telling people how I feel, for fear of hurting them or upsetting them or making things awkward. Here is where the thinking takes a far back seat to the feeling.

Be forewarned.
silverhawk79: (Default)
I've been thinking a lot lately about what the point of all this is. About why I'm bothering to continue in this life. And it's led me to some very, very dark places.

I'm starting to come out of that, of course, because I have to. Because I fight it every day. But it has also make me think about the petty mess that my life has become. My connections with people vary from loose and shallow to deep and profound, as most people's do. The shallow ones, I'm thinking about abandoning for the most part, because they don't serve me anymore. They keep me distracted from what matters.

The deep and profound ones are with a handful of people, and I have, lately, found myself not connecting with even those people as I should.

So I'm taking steps to correct that. I don't want to have conversations anymore about the weather or what's on TV. I want to talk poetry, music, art, philosophy, religion, science, love. I want to know who or what hurt you so badly that you shy away from particular topics so that you don't cry in public. I want to know why you have the ideas you have-- but also, what ideas you have about changing the world or your place in it. I want to know everything that makes you, you.

Tell me everything under your name in the module, and I promise you, I will do the same.


silverhawk79: (Default)

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