Apr. 4th, 2017 05:24 pm
silverhawk79: (Default)

I am a shrine maiden,
Tending the hearth of the temple,
Building a conflagration worthy
of Legend.

I am a shield maiden,
Leading warriors in battle,
Fighting for home and family
And Glory.

I am a maiden no longer,
Withered and hollow,
Wizened but without the wisdom
Of years.

Too long, I let
The labels define me,
Seeking honor, glory, legend
Instead of myself.
silverhawk79: (Default)
When the storm fades,
And the clouds break,
And all is set right around me again,
I hope there are still flowers
Growing wild in a garden of my own.
silverhawk79: (Default)
In fixed position,
A cover over all he hides.
Glory or fame, dishonor or shame,
Halting him,
But never holding him for long.
He wears
His mask
So well.


Apr. 1st, 2017 07:48 am
silverhawk79: (Default)
Forever (c. 1995)
How can I tell you
How I really feel
When all my emotions
Seem so unreal?

How can I give you
The love you deserve
When all of your actions
Leave me fully perturbed?

How can I be
The friend that you need
When I love you so much
That my heart starts to bleed?

And it's more than just friends
That I want us to be
But I know it's impossible
And you need to be free.

Tell me, why do I miss you
When you're right next to me
And I'm in your embrace
Feeling your warmth all over me?

What is it about you
That makes me care so much
When all I want is your love
And it's your heart I can't touch?

And why do I love
Someone I can't have-
Someone like you
The best friend I could have?

I guess it's just a part
Of the Grand Master's plan
Of the grand scheme of life
And it's out of my hands.

But deep in my heart
I know it's my fault
For it would be better to hate you
Than to love you at all.

But I could never hate you
And I'll always feel this way
And I know I'll keep it hidden
Forever and a day.


Mar. 31st, 2017 01:59 am
silverhawk79: (Default)

If I stand behind this curtain,
And let you speak your mind,
Will you thrill me?

If I am quiet as a mouse
As you express your undying love,
Will it be for me?

Honey-dipped, forked-tipped,
Your tongue flicks
As you spill forth lies.

The words slip from your mouth,
Spiraling upward into infinity,
Becoming merely wind.

If I stand behind this curtain,
And let you speak your mind,
Will you release me?

If I am quiet as a mouse
As you express your undying love
Will you give peace to me?

Poison pill becomes
My every thought
And nothing stops the pain.

The words you speak,
The lies you tell,
Haunt me again.

If I stand behind this curtain,
And let you speak your mind,
Will you move along to the next girl?

If I am quiet as a mouse
As you express your undying love,
Will it be for a better girl?

Weeping, sobbing unchecked,
Catches in my breath
Knowing the worth of your words.

Pretending I never saw,
Pretending I do not think,
Pretending I never heard.

If I stand behind this curtain,
And let you speak your mind,
Will you tell me the truth?

If I am quiet as a mouse
As you express your undying love,
Will you give me the needed proof?

Poison pill, adder-tongued,
You will never tell the truth.
But you have given me the proof.
silverhawk79: (Default)
I've been thinking a lot lately about what the point of all this is. About why I'm bothering to continue in this life. And it's led me to some very, very dark places.

I'm starting to come out of that, of course, because I have to. Because I fight it every day. But it has also make me think about the petty mess that my life has become. My connections with people vary from loose and shallow to deep and profound, as most people's do. The shallow ones, I'm thinking about abandoning for the most part, because they don't serve me anymore. They keep me distracted from what matters.

The deep and profound ones are with a handful of people, and I have, lately, found myself not connecting with even those people as I should.

So I'm taking steps to correct that. I don't want to have conversations anymore about the weather or what's on TV. I want to talk poetry, music, art, philosophy, religion, science, love. I want to know who or what hurt you so badly that you shy away from particular topics so that you don't cry in public. I want to know why you have the ideas you have-- but also, what ideas you have about changing the world or your place in it. I want to know everything that makes you, you.

Tell me everything under your name in the module, and I promise you, I will do the same.
silverhawk79: (Default)
"I thought you loved me," he said.

"I do love you, you idiot," she said.

"Then why are you talking to me about other men?" he asked.

"Because you told me you wouldn't have me," she replied. "And I didn't want to keep chasing a pipe dream."

"But you still love me?" he asked.

"Yes, always. And the saddest part of that is, if you would have me, I would drop all these others in a heartbeat and come willingly to your arms. I would never look back. What kind of person does that make me?"


Mar. 18th, 2017 09:54 am
silverhawk79: (Default)
Trying to get over
The feeling you never loved me.
You loved your reflection in me
Or what I could do for you.

Your charm beguiled me,
Made me believe I was
The only one for you.
But you were never going to be mine.

You made a vow to me,
But you had your fingers crossed.
Or maybe you never realized
How selfish you are.

Love is sacrifice
But a compromising one--
Both sides taking,
Both sides giving.

When the scales are
Out of balance too long
They tip, exposing
The lie beneath.

You never loved me.
You loved what I could do for you.
silverhawk79: (Default)
There once was a girl... a very strange, enchanted girl... and she had some lessons to learn.

She learned one day that she was special. Oh, not that way-- not like a superhero or an alien or anything. But she had a purpose, though it took her years and years to discover what that purpose really was. And she did her best to fulfill that purpose, despite never being quite sure whether she was getting it just right, because there was no one to ask.

And she learned later that her purpose was connected to others like her. She met them, and everything seemed to click right away. Things fell into place. And at the tender age of 21, our heroine learned that she was supposed to do something Really Important. And over the next 7 years, she did that thing, to the best of her ability, working with these others-- some of whom she grew to despise because of their cruelty, or their pettiness, or their inability to see and apply sense to the purpose. She loved and lost, and loved again, and lost again. Because that was the cruel nature of the task at hand.

And after that 7 years of servitude, learning, growing, sacrificing everything to the purpose and the Really Important Thing that had to be accomplished, she thought she was done. The purpose was accomplished. The Really Important Thing was done. Everyone was safe. She could live her life in relative peace.

And then 10 years later, she found out that this wasn't the case. Not at all. The Really Important Thing she had helped to accomplish? It was in danger. Again. Because it will always be in danger. Her responsibilities as a leader, as a protector? Not discharged. Not by half.

But her struggles in her personal life had become a distraction. She loved her husband, but she had come to the sad and hurtful conclusion that their marriage had one purpose of its own, and that purpose was accomplished. By his absence, he showed her that he knew it, too. Her career had had its ups and downs, and had finally come to rest in a place where she could, on the surface, seemingly fight for justice-- but that justice was politically motivated, and so was justice denied in all but the most meaningless of circumstances.

And then she met and fell in love with someone with whom she shared her purpose, and this was perhaps the gravest error of all-- one she had committed twice before, and one she should have known better than to commit. But she couldn't help herself. Not at all, not even when she tried to back away. Because when you feel that click in your soul, sometimes, you can't help but say, "yes, this is right; this is what I want and need; this is what I deserve."

And over the months, as it became clearer to her that everything around her was crashing down specifically to distract her from the purpose, she laid down, distraught, sorely tempted to let it all burn and flood and sweep her away in a sodden pile of ash. But fire and storm not withstanding, weeping and bloodied in her spirit, she remembered who she was. She remembered that she had Really Important Things to do. She had Really Important People to protect. She got to her feet. She shook her fist at her enemy and said, "Not so fast, buddy. You don't get to defeat me that easily. En garde!"

Fair warning, fairly given. Once more unto the breach.


Mar. 12th, 2017 01:38 am
silverhawk79: (Default)
Always on the outside looking in--
The ugly one, the one no one wanted,
Trying to become the protagonist of my own story.

Thought I found love once--
Gave him a ring,
But I was never enough.

Thought I found it again--
Created life,
But even that wasn't enough.

Third time's the charm.
Who am I kidding?
I'm still not enough.

I am never enough.

The ones who crave me are like so many others before;
Take a piece of me and spit it out on the floor.
For them, even, I'm never enough.

Never enough to make me theirs.
Never enough for them to really care.
Never enough for them to remain with me.
Never enough to deal with me honestly.

Just a piece, but never enough.
Someone to use, but never enough.
Someone to abuse, but never enough.

Well, I've had enough.

I'm not pretty like the others.
I'm not sexy like the others.
I'm not extroverted like the others.

But peel back the layers, and you will see.
For the right one, I can and will be
More than enough.
silverhawk79: (Default)
Primal urge supplanting reason,
Where madness sinks its talons in.

Find myself splayed against the metal frame.
Cool night breeze on my neck--
Replaced by the warm nuzzle, then wild bites.
Knees buckle,
And you catch me as I make some feral sound.

Steal my breath away.
You always take my breath away.

Hands held above my head,
Tongue probing.
Fist gripping my hair, and hands stroking.
Run my nails over your skin,
You growl.

Steal my breath away.
You always take my breath away.

Too soon (too late?)
The night must end.
Obligation and reason return.
Talons release, my pulse slows
A kiss on the forehead to mark bedlam's passage.

Will you steal my breath away?
You always take my breath away.
silverhawk79: (Default)

I'm working through a lot of stuff right now, and it has my head all screwy.

It's kind of fucked up when you know what you want, but timing and circumstances make it literally impossible to achieve your goals.

So bear with me folks. And please forgive me if I've seemed irrational, angry, or less than tactful in the last week. My heart is wounded, and my wild spirit lashes out sometimes when that happens. I'm working on that, too.

silverhawk79: (Default)

.... some really bad shit happened. I mourn, and I rejoice, both, because I got through it.

Sorry to be vague.  I wish I could be more clear, but even now, putting it into writing tears at me.

I love you all.

silverhawk79: (Default)

What follows is really probably NSFW. (Also, the photo isn't mine, but is appropriate for this writing, given the questionable nature of the "love" between The Joker and Harley Quinn.)

Skip it if ya gotta.


I want to cuddle him, and kiss him, and melt away into him. I want him to fill me, and complete me, and take ownership of me. I want to know everything about him, to trace every line and curve and imperfection of his body with my fingertips, and be utterly at his mercy as he does the same to me. I desperately want to belong to him, knowing that he will only hurt me if I want him to, knowing he will always have my best interests in mind. I want to know his mind and heart and body and soul the way he already seems to know my mind and heart. I want him to let me love him.

And I want him to love me, too.

silverhawk79: (Default)

Thanks, [ profile] simoriah, for helping inspire part of this.

I am a fucking gem.

I'm smart, funny, witty, beautiful, weird in the best of ways.

I am almost always bitingly sarcastic and snarky.

I am hot tempered, but I seldom direct it at any one person save myself.

I am loving and loyal past the point of reason, but overstep yourself or hurt someone I love and I will burn you.

I love a real debate, but I hate a pointless argument.

I will talk books, music, politics, religion, philosophy,  and life until I am blue in the face.

I am also content to sit quietly with you and simply be.

I have fire in me, and water-- that gentle healing, caring energy that is at the core of my being.

I love too hard and too much sometimes, but would do it all again in almost every circumstance.

I deserve to be loved by someone who sees that fire and water, appreciates it, knows what to do with it, and utilizes it to its fullest potential.

In the future, I will accept no less than this from my lovers.

silverhawk79: (Default)

All the feels, all the time.........

You arrived without fanfare one day,
Offered a helping hand,
Showed me your inner light,
And I was not afraid.

Truth was spoken,
Honest words, maybe, for the
First. Time. Ever.
Their imprint a smarting welt upon my spirit.

Gentle and brutal, both,
You are a dichotomy,
But no moreso
Than I am myself.

You are the catalyst,
The one who showed me
Not to think outside the box,
But destroy it entirely.

The Marla to my Jack,
You sowed the seed of change,
And now I can't imagine
My life without you.

And yet, you stand aloof
Waiting for some magical moment
Something to change,
Some sign to appear.

But I'm right here.
In stillness, waiting, right here.


Fearing my own strength--
A weakness, a vulnerability--
Quaking at shadows.

Too many scars on my heart,
Chill air of solitude enfolds my spirit,
Wraps flesh and bone alike in its icy grip,
'til thawing,
The catalyst a fleeting, covetous hope.

You awakened my heart,
Healed my wounds,
Kissed away my scars 'til they were decorous ornaments obscured by desire.
You restored my soul to the realm of the living, where true love dwells beneath the surface of longing.

Don't break my heart.


Rambling On
And I find myself filled with regret
A love despoiled,
A shadow on my spirit.

I would let you go,
Pick a budding rose from a shrub in the sun,
And not look back at the darkness again.
You deserve the light, the truest joy
Of your heart's desire.

Know that you will always have a home
Here, in my heart,
Where I keep your secrets forevermore.

And if you should look back to a shadowed soul
And gather her to your heart,
A kindred spirit to light the fire of love,
Then maybe we would both find peace.

What can I do to make you see?
You direct your love to all but me,
People who can't see the beauty beneath
Or who lie to you or treat you like yesterday's meat.

What can I do to make you believe
That you deserve to be happy, deserve to be free?
You are worthy of all love is cracked up to be,
But you're pining away for someone you don't need.

In the space between, you cannot steer
The love that you hold so very dear
To a place where you want it to be
Together at last, and both of you free.

Your hurts wound my heart, you see.
My heart aches to believe
That someday, you might find what you truly need.
Someday, you may find yourself freed.

I cannot tell you; I do not dare.
I can't explain that I love you or heal your despair.
So instead, we have conversations about insane things,
Inane things, whatever may come that this dawn brings.

I know you read between the lines.
I know you would tell me if you would rather I was silent.
But none of it makes the feelings subside.
I'll be damned if I'll sit idly by.

I can't watch you destroy yourself,
Watch you drown your soul and erode your mental health
All for someone who does not care
All for love that may not truly be there.

So I sit next to you and I dream
That one day, you will have what you need.
That one day soon, you will find yourself freed
From the chains and the pains that cause you to bleed.

One day, you will find yourself free.


Mirror you, in the manner of my speech
In posture and poise, every aspect.
My breath goes short,
My skin flushes.

Feel the burning in my soul--
A hunger for you.
Is this feeling true, or
Is this just a reflection of you?

I feel the pulse, the heat of you
Through the barest touch
My heart pounds, my mouth goes dry--
My very being hums.

I feel your fire in me,
A longing for you.
Is this feeling true, or
Is this just a reflection of you?

You turn away, without a word.
Mirrored eyes shatter
Like shards of ice.
The fire goes cold.

Was this feeling ever true?
Was it just a reflection of me in you?

Just For A Moment
Just for a moment,
I glimpsed the you beneath.
The mask cracked, and I saw.
I was afraid for you.

In that moment, you let me in
And I saw the broken heart,
Not from loss of love,
But from some other trauma you hide.

I want to gather you in my arms,
Kiss you, and tell you that you are loved,
But how can I do that
Without telling you I know?

Excoriate, debride,
Set a fire in my flesh
Burn away at me until there is nothing left
But the ashes of what I was.

Resurrect from within
Spread wings of fire and light
Rise, climb, soar above smoke and salt
And no longer feel this emptiness inside.

New made, will I carry the scars
They gave me in a time of silence?
Will I still recall the terror and
Cherished innocence lost?

Rise up and spread wings
Of fire and light, truth and love,
And climb above the pain
Soar above the fear.

Primal terror, heedless rage
Burn it away.

Pity and pain, remorse and sorrow
Burn it away,

Until naught is left but
Truth and love
Fire and light
Freedom and peace.

Rise, climb, soar above
The past.


Dec. 26th, 2016 11:29 pm
silverhawk79: (Default)
Click once, twice, three times
Refresh the screen,
Check the connection
To see if we are connected.

And I know I have no right to know
No right to worry, no reasonable reason to ask
But I wonder all the same.
Are we still on the same page?

All those times we spoke
All those moments of immediate response
That spoiled me-- now gone.
Have I been pushed aside?

Did I ever mean anything at all?
Was I just someone fun
And now not so much anymore
Now that you know the real me?


Dec. 23rd, 2016 05:08 pm
silverhawk79: (Default)
You arrived without fanfare one day,
Offered a helping hand,
Showed me your inner light,
And I was not afraid.

Truth was spoken,
Honest words, maybe, for the
First. Time. Ever.
Their imprint a smarting welt upon my spirit.

Gentle and brutal, both,
You are a dichotomy,
But no moreso
Than I am myself.

You are the catalyst,
The one who showed me
Not to think outside the box,
But destroy it entirely.

The Marla to my Jack,
You sowed the seed of change,
And now I can't imagine
My life without you.

And yet, you stand aloof
Waiting for some magical moment
Something to change,
Some sign to appear.

But I'm right here.
In stillness, waiting, right here.
silverhawk79: (Default)
Someday, my lovely, you will accept that you will never be enough for the wrong ones, but you are absolutely enough for the right ones.
silverhawk79: (Default)
Because at a time like this, what the hell else is there to do, really?

So tonight, I'm home alone with the kid and the cat. There were several mishaps today, beginning with me being up until 4:45 in the morning blogging because I couldn't sleep. So I got a broken like 4 hours of sleep, but it was worth it. I got out some things I've been thinking and feeling and processing for the last couple of weeks, stuff that is surfacing from years ago. And it helped to put the words into a writing, so that I could get them the hell out of my brain. (And maybe tomorrow, during therapy, I will be able to finally process it all with my highly awesome therapist, who puts up with my new age nonsense and talk of being an empath and such. But I digress.)

And then I went to work and almost fell asleep at my desk about 15 times. And I had good conversations with a few friends-- some of whom are in dark places themselves right now and need to know that it will get better.  As one of them said earlier today, the solution is to have a puppy pile. So maybe that will be a thing, too. I don't know yet.

I want my friends to know that I really do love them, all of them, so very much.  It's just how I am. If I call you a friend, you are part of the small circle of people whom I will probably always love. Even people who are "former friends" enjoy this privilege. It's probably why when people come back into my life after years and years, I tend to let them, with little gruffness... Maybe not the best practice, but there you are. That's me.

So now I'm sitting at the computer, listening to Simon & Garfunkel's original The Sound of Silence from 1964 (yes, I like the Disturbed version better for most purposes, but not when I'm trying to be positive, dammit). And I'm writing and drinking what's left of wine that I dedicated to Freyja ("sharing" it with Her, so to speak), and trying to remain positive about life. Because I'm so damned tired of being upset and sick and hurting.  Just for tonight, I'm going to try to be goofy, happy, smiling in my heart and soul and eyes as much as on my lips. I'm going to laugh from my spirit, and not worry about the bullshit that will still be waiting for me tonight when I go to sleep and tomorrow when I wake.  FFS, let tomorrow keep its troubles a bit longer, am I right?

And now it's onto Pentatonix's version of Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen. I really like this version, actually. Probably because I can sing most of it without much of a strain. Hey, perhaps that's an idea for tonight. I will see how many of these songs I can sing without breaking a sweat and/or waking my kid.  :)

Tonight is about being in my happy place. And fuck anyone who says otherwise.
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