silverhawk79: (Default)
[personal profile] silverhawk79
This has been the recurring theme of my life. Mostly, emotional abandonment, or some deep rooted fear of it, has kept me from standing up for myself or making waves. It started with my parents, and has shadowed my two marriages, all my long-term romantic relationships, and probably more than half my relationships with people just generally. Because I was afraid that my value was somehow tied to what others thought of me, and whether they thought I was worth being around. Because somehow, just existing didn't merit me a place of my own, or an inherent value beyond what I could do for other people.

A friend very recently did a shamanic style journey for me and cut the cord that was tethering me in the cesspool that was my emotionally abandoned life. I already feel the change.

Things that would have kept me "in my place" even a couple weeks ago no longer bother me.

You want to leave me to clean up your mess while you go have fun? Bye, Felicia. Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. Or rather, let it. I don't care.

You want to threaten me with cutting off contact if I don't do as you wish? Screw you and the horse you rode in on. I don't give a flying fuck anymore.

You want me to live my life in fear of rejection or abandonment-- physical or emotional-- so you can continue to benefit while I slowly lose my mind? Sorry, pal. Here's a dollar, go buy yourself a nice hot cup of STFU and get thee gone.

Now, to clear out the cesspool so it becomes the pleasant swimming hole it was always meant to be.
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silverhawk79

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