Apr. 24th, 2017 09:26 am
silverhawk79: (Default)
[personal profile] silverhawk79
A few weeks ago, I made the decision to take a break from actively seeking dates. I changed some stuff on my profiles on dating websites, let the paid ones lapse, and only really responded to people who had already been in contact with me before I made the decision. I think that was more out of a desire to practice talking to other grown-ups in that context, as well as courtesy, than anything else.

Last week, I met someone for coffee. He was really nice, and funny, and he told me I gave him butterflies in his stomach before we met in person. He said my photos didn't do me justice. He wants to meet again.

And I don't feel anything for him. At all.

Just like all the other guys from the internet who have talked to me, sent me photos, whatever, in the last 2 months.

When I was single the last time, over 7 years ago, I might at least have felt flattered. Someone actually thinks I'm prettier than my pictures. Someone actually likes me, and I make them nervous in a good way.

But I don't. Not this time.

I feel like I just want to move on, immediately, because I know he's not the right one.

I feel like I want to give my affections to someone I actually love, and not waste my time elsewhere.

Someone said to me recently that I shouldn't have to think or consider what I feel. I should just feel it. And I guess the reason I found that concept so odd is because I always feel and then sort. I compartmentalize. I label and categorize and put things in a box for later consideration. Above all, I exercise caution and restraint before acting on a feeling. Because that's what I was always taught to do.

That needs to stop. How many times have my feelings, my instincts, been spot on? How many times could my own misery have been prevented if I had gone with my feelings and intuitions about things and not spent time logically considering every aspect and angle of things before making a decision?

True, logic has its place, even in affairs of the heart. But I've been giving it too much of a place.

So I guess this is where I stop exercising the amount of restraint I've had in telling people how I feel, for fear of hurting them or upsetting them or making things awkward. Here is where the thinking takes a far back seat to the feeling.

Be forewarned.

Date: 2017-04-25 03:36 pm (UTC)
mowglikat: (Default)
From: [personal profile] mowglikat
1st - I'm not sure if you're fuzzy on this from reading what you wrote, but just in case, I want to be clear. You are NOT obligated to feel anything just because someone is attracted to you. It's normal to be attracted to some people and not to others, and whether or not they are attracted to you doesn't usually have anything to do with it. Sometimes it does, but that's pretty rare, I think.

Usually we become attracted to people because of the way they make us feel about ourselves. Being attracted to us is not enough if we don't feel a difference.

2nd - Not wasting your time is awesome. It's the one thing you can never get back...once it's wasted it's wasted. Making the most of the time you have is the most valuable thing EVAR.

3rd - I'm not so sure that thinking about what you feel is wrong right now. I would check that with your therapist. Here's why:
- If the feelings you feel are dysfunctional, and you just feel them and act on them, that could incorporate (say, in an extreme example) suicidal ideation. That should require deeper thought before action. And if your patterns of behavior are based on making choices that are self-harming (i.e., choosing people that are not capable of giving you the love you need) that process needs to be examined. I mean, did you get there because you talked yourself into it with logic? Or because you felt attracted and didn't think logically about it? Only you know that answer.
- If the feelings you have are functional and not self-harming, sure, that's great. Not everyone starts out with that luxury. And although it can be accomplished, the thinking stages are required to get you to the safe place.

Only you know where you are, and whether you lie to yourself to get there. (not saying you do, only saying that you would be the only person who knows that.) Be honest with yourself, and the answer will be right in front of you.


silverhawk79: (Default)

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