silverhawk79: (Default)
[personal profile] silverhawk79
Be careful what you wish for...

So, I was emotionally numb for like 4 days this week. And then about an hour after my interview for the promotion, I started tearing up for no reason at all. I finally felt something, and it was sadness. And anger. And bitterness, and regret. And love. Lots of love, which I want to express and can't. Because timing fucking blows.

I had a phone appointment with Jen, during which time I mostly cried and talked to her about the underlying feelings I was having. She gave me words of encouragement, and she told me she thinks I'm capable of doing what needs to be done in my life. And I'm trying to believe her.

My eyes are still sore from crying, even though it's been almost 12 hours since I talked to her. And I am exhausted, emotionally and physically, from being in this state. And on top of everything else, while driving to pick up the guitar I ordered last week, I got caught using my GPS (which is on my phone) and issued a ticket for cell phone use, which has a mandatory court appearance and a minimum $200 fine. I'm batting 1.000 today. I just want to hide until everything feels better, but I can't, because I have too much adult bullshit to take care of.

I'm trying to remain positive, but it's becoming increasingly more difficult to do so.

So I ended up taking tomorrow off, which is for the best. I don't want to go to work tomorrow and pretend that everything is OK when, in fact, it is not. I'm going to take care of some personal errands and such, and then practice my guitar and spend some time in nature, if the weather cooperates. Because I need to do things that take my mind off all the bad stuff that's happening around me.

Sorry if this is rambling, but it's late and I'm exhausted. I was supposed to be in bed an hour ago. I should go do that now.

Thank you for listening.

Date: 2017-04-21 11:05 am (UTC)
mowglikat: (Default)
From: [personal profile] mowglikat
- can you explain where the love is pointed? Is it a healthy target, an unhealthy one, yourself, your child, your husband?

- It's not all terrible...you know if you were feeling better that ticket would only have been a speed bump. It's habit, (and it's easier) to lump it all together so you can fall into old patterns of feeling sorry for yourself, or feeling like a victim, or feeling like you make bad choices, or that you're lost, or WHATEVER your old messages are. But that pattern of behavior isn't helping you right now. Catch yourself when you can and remind yourself it's just a pattern of thinking. I mean...when I read this post, I see two things wrong...and one is a ticket. The other is that you're having a wave of emotions that are putting a colored lens on everything.

But that's only two things...it's not everything. But your thought pattern tells you to look at it as "all the bad stuff that's happening," and it's really not that bad. It's two things. It's just that one thing is really overwhelming.

Yes, it's overwhelming...but it's really just one thing. If you weren't having a wave of vulnerability, other things wouldn't appear to be a problem.

That's not to invalidate your feelings. You feel those things and they are valid. I'm just saying that feeling them instinctually without examining them gives them more power over you than they deserve to have.

You're a good person. Don't let it run you ragged.

- If nature doesn't cooperate, try playing near an open window where you can see outdoors and feel a breeze. Or if that doesn't work, maybe go to a park with a gazebo. Or take your car somewhere where you can park and play with your windows open.

Recharge, recharge, recharge.

Feel better. And I'm here if you need me.

Date: 2017-04-21 04:40 pm (UTC)
mowglikat: (Default)
From: [personal profile] mowglikat
No sweat. Really.

More on #2 - Just so you're not too hard on yourself....your body has a sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system (I'm pretty sure that's what they're called). One is fight/flight...and the other is shutdown from that reaction to bring it back to normal.

Part of the shutdown process can include things like "the shakes," or crying, or ragged breathing. I mean, if you think about it...if you narrowly escape a car accident, all the things that come after, those are perfectly normal body things. They feel like emotional things, but it's your body bringing you back to normal.

If you've had an emotional emergency, THAT COUNTS. Your body is doing emergency procedures to get you back to normal, and that's okay....you shouldn't judge yourself for that. It's normal body stuff. Not something you even SHOULD be able to control.

(TMI...I cry after really intense sex. I'm not sad or scared or anything. My body just does the shutting down thing. All it means is that it's been a long time and I really got something out of my system. It's the same thing.)

I would guess that the level of extremity of the shutdown is likely to directly correspond to the level of extremity of the ramp-up. If you learn to control your ramp-up, it is likely that the cool-down will be less severe. So if you want to have less of a breakdown after, you may want to work on how you process your stress as it happens.

(/sarcasm....Riiiight...among all the other things you're trying to get done. You know...in your copious spare time. /endsarcasm)

I'm just guessing, but I believe it. It seems logical.

And another thing!

Date: 2017-04-21 04:46 pm (UTC)
mowglikat: (Default)
From: [personal profile] mowglikat
I just want to express how shitty it is to receive a present now, when it's too late.

If it were me, I would transform that into anger and resentment so it fuels the breakup more than guilts me...because doing it now is manipulative and shitty, even if it's a sincere apology. It's not okay.

Another side to that is something women do to men all the time. We want to break up, but we don't want them to be angry or hate us, so we want to be friends, and sometimes that really isn't fair to the person being broken up with. It's possible that he just wants to know that you guys will be friends and not hate each other when it's over. Which you can resolve with a conversation and a clear boundary so you don't have to go through this any more.

But if you're really leaving, I would lay down a law about that present thing for birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, christmas, valentines day...all of them. At least until it's completely over and done, because it just makes things harder right now.

And if you lay down that law and he breaks it, then you're right back to seeing very clearly how you aren't heard, and your needs are ignored. You're safe either way.

I'm so sorry that happened. It must have been very hard.

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