Apr. 25th, 2017

silverhawk79: (Default)
My feelings have been all over the map of late. Last night, they came to a head around bedtime, as they so often do.

Jen warned me to hold off on thinking too much at bedtime for that reason, and to revisit things in the morning. Still, I couldn't stop the feelings I was having.

They stem from abandonment.

I've been emotionally abandoned by people I care about so many times that I spend most of my time waiting for the other shoe to drop. It takes forever for me to trust people with all my secrets, and there are maybe 3 people in the world who know all of them. And one of those three gets paid to listen to me ramble once a week.

The conclusion I've come to about that feeling is that I can't spend my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can't worry anymore about whether someone is going to walk away. If they walk away after I have trusted them and let them into my heart, that is outside my control. There isn't anything I can do about it, and anxietizing about it won't fix a damned thing.

So here goes the plunge into giving 0 fucks whether someone walks out the door on me. It's outside my control. And what I cannot control, I should no longer fear. It is inevitable, and I am more than strong enough to deal with whatever consequences arise from it.

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silverhawk79

July 2017

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