Apr. 21st, 2017

silverhawk79: (Default)
Be careful what you wish for...

So, I was emotionally numb for like 4 days this week. And then about an hour after my interview for the promotion, I started tearing up for no reason at all. I finally felt something, and it was sadness. And anger. And bitterness, and regret. And love. Lots of love, which I want to express and can't. Because timing fucking blows.

I had a phone appointment with Jen, during which time I mostly cried and talked to her about the underlying feelings I was having. She gave me words of encouragement, and she told me she thinks I'm capable of doing what needs to be done in my life. And I'm trying to believe her.

My eyes are still sore from crying, even though it's been almost 12 hours since I talked to her. And I am exhausted, emotionally and physically, from being in this state. And on top of everything else, while driving to pick up the guitar I ordered last week, I got caught using my GPS (which is on my phone) and issued a ticket for cell phone use, which has a mandatory court appearance and a minimum $200 fine. I'm batting 1.000 today. I just want to hide until everything feels better, but I can't, because I have too much adult bullshit to take care of.

I'm trying to remain positive, but it's becoming increasingly more difficult to do so.

So I ended up taking tomorrow off, which is for the best. I don't want to go to work tomorrow and pretend that everything is OK when, in fact, it is not. I'm going to take care of some personal errands and such, and then practice my guitar and spend some time in nature, if the weather cooperates. Because I need to do things that take my mind off all the bad stuff that's happening around me.

Sorry if this is rambling, but it's late and I'm exhausted. I was supposed to be in bed an hour ago. I should go do that now.

Thank you for listening.

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silverhawk79

July 2017

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