silverhawk79: (Default)
I've thought about this for about 16 hours now. I've discussed it with a couple of people. The conclusion I've come to is that the I am not a bad person. However, my feelings are causing some serious internal strife for me.

Part of the problem is that my world has been knocked off center. Everything is crashing around me, in flames. I find myself clinging, like a drowning woman at sea, to whatever small thing I can in this storm. I find myself clinging in particular to the catalyst for the storm itself. It's a bad plan, and I know it, but right now, it's the only plan I've got.

Like I said, it's causing a lot of internal strife-- strife I don't really want to discuss with anyone outside the two people I've already spoken to about it. The point of this whole thing is not to get over the strife, as that is likely to continue unabated. It's to forgive myself for not being perfect. It's to recognize that I am a human being with limits, needs, and opinions, and that those limits, needs, and opinions must be honored, by me if by no one else.

We all have the tendency to go bad. I can't pretend I'm any different. I'm human. So now, I forgive myself for being human, and for not being perfect. I forgive myself for changing my mind about some things, about the way I perceive the world and myself-- and I forgive other people for their flaws, to the extent those flaws have harmed me. I honor their humanity in any event.

So that is all. Thanks for listening.
silverhawk79: (Default)
I've been working with Rhiannon for a few months now. Usually, she comes to me to comfort me. Today, however, was different.

I felt her standing behind me. I felt her hands on my shoulders. I felt her whisper in my ear that it was time to become the Queen. It's time to take back sovereignty over my life and turn my pain into power. Endure and persevere.

It was what I needed today. It's been a bad few weeks, and the last several days have been particularly bad. But the message was clear: it's ok to feel this way, but once I've felt it, now it's time to turn it back around and do what is best for me. It's just time.

That's all. Thanks for listening.
silverhawk79: (Default)
I talked to Jen today about something I don't think I've admitted before. I have a really hard time asking anyone for help.

Oh, sure, I will ask for help with simple types of things-- help moving, help with cleaning (although even with that, I am hesitant to do so). And I will tell people some of my problems.... but it's rare that I will tell anyone all of it. I don't want to feel like I'm burdening people, and I know that most of my friends are struggling in one way or another with their own stuff. I don't want to make things worse for anyone.

I say this, not out of false humility, but because I know what it does to me to help someone when I am struggling. It feels great in the beginning-- shunting my own things aside to focus on fixing someone else's junk. It's great. I can forget about my own troubles for awhile. And then, over time, as my friend's crisis ends, I go back to feeling overwhelmed and dizzy and empty. And that feeling is god awful. I don't want to do that to anyone else. It's the major reason I refuse to date anyone right now. I don't want to put this burden on anyone else. I literally cannot do that to anyone else, because I can't let my guard down to do it. And I can't bear the thought that I might hurt someone I care about by unleashing the burden that is my psychological damage on another human being who is not being paid for the service.

Jen suggested that I talk about it because she's sure I'm not the only person who feels this way, and because I am the sort of person who can be inspirational to others when I want to be. So I decided to put it out there, in writing because that's how I reach people best.

I need help.

I've needed it for awhile. This weekend was particularly bad, and I was really worried that I was going to emotionally damage myself or lose my mind dealing with some issues. I didn't even fully articulate them to the three people I spoke to about them, but saying something, at least, to three people who mostly understood what I was going through, made it bearable.

I need someone who can be my rock-- someone who is willing to listen to me when I need to unload; someone who can give empathy, comfort, and advice; someone whose presence-- whether physical or virtual-- is a calming influence. However, I realize that this is asking a lot of people who are in a similar boat to me. So maybe, if I need someone to do this for me, it can be more than one someone? And maybe, just maybe, it can involve commiseration with that someone else's problems, and not merely a unilateral dumping of problems into that someone's lap?

Maybe. Maybe I can let my guard down enough to let someone else be strong with me.

Processing

Jul. 30th, 2017 08:22 am
silverhawk79: (Default)
So, this was a really bad week.

It started out kind of ok, all things considered. My daughter was anxious about living in the new house, and about being away from her father. As the week progressed, she mostly got used to the new routine. But she was always underfoot and clinging to me, and I needed space. She was also pushing my buttons and purposely not following instructions. This caused a lot of friction.

I was also having some trouble at work. I received notice on Monday that I didn't get the promotion I had hoped for. In addition, my boss told me she wanted me to mentor a new attorney who starts next month-- by giving her some of my work. Never mind that we have cases that are 2 years old that a couple of the other attorneys are sitting on. She wants me to give the new person my cases. Because of other anxiety issues I have, I started to panic that I was going to lose my job. It took me about a day to calm down. My boss was also being nitpicky with respect to questions I needed to ask some high level witnesses, so that didn't help my anxiety at all.

Then there was the lack of rest, the general agitation that I felt having to deal with other people when I really just wanted to go sit in the arboretum and meditate for awhile, and-- strangely-- a longing for companionship with someone I care about. I realized that, perhaps, most of all, this is what has been missing from my life for the longest time. This is probably what bothers me the most about the breakdown of my marriage.

It's great to have friends, and I have some of the very best people life can offer to me as my friends. It's great to be strong in yourself, and I've been working on that almost my whole life. But even as introverted as I am, I miss having someone as my companion, my confidant, someone to fight my corner and encourage me and be my rock. I miss having someone to hold me close when I'm sad. But it can't just be *any* someone. I also realized that on Friday. Just *any* person won't do. It has to be someone I value and trust more than any other person in life.

It was probably an illusion that I ever had that anyway. And I'm not ready to go seek it right now, because it would be unfair of me to expect someone to do all that for me if I can't return the favor-- and right now, I am incapable of giving that gift to someone else. But I think, more than anything, that this is what was wrong with me the whole week. Other factors didn't help matters, of course, but that's the conclusion I've come to about this.

Anyway. Just processing this all right now. So thanks for listening.

Not OK

Jul. 29th, 2017 01:40 pm
silverhawk79: (Default)
As you probably are aware, I am having a terrible week. I am not ok, and I will not pretend that I am. I am struggling. A lot. And I may seem strong, but that is a facade.

Positive energy would be appreciated, if you can spare it.
silverhawk79: (Default)
I feel very conflicted right now, very out of sorts and agitated.

Everything I do to try to reach out for human contact seems to get my hand slapped, like I'm some naughty kid in Catholic school and the Universe is a bitter nun.

I'm not sure how to change it, but something needs to change. Immediately. Because the way I feel right now is unacceptable on so many levels.

;

One

Jul. 26th, 2017 03:50 pm
silverhawk79: (Default)
Preternatural hunger
A sinuous desire
As flesh calls to flesh
And spirit calls to spirit.

I summon you, my secret lover,
To comfort me in this,
My hour of need.
Will you answer me?

Deep calls to deep,
And response comes unchecked.
Whispered vows unnumbered spoken,
As the ache is released.

Held fast within
Your fevered embrace,
My blood pulses as
I sink my teeth into your yielding flesh.

Arch my back,
Close my eyes,
And lose myself
In you.

We are one,
But only
For this moment
In time.
silverhawk79: (Default)
My therapist just told me that in all her years of practice, I have maybe made the most progress of any of her patients, because I actually had the cajones to leave a bad situation instead of staying or quitting therapy to remain in denial. Also, that I take my therapy work seriously by showing up on time for appointments and keeping them, even when I know my discussions with her will be difficult or leave me in tears.

I am a baller, badass bitch. Be forewarned.
silverhawk79: (Default)
Brigid, you are Smith and Poet and Healer,
Fire and Well, creating all around You.
Again in light, again in joy, the purest

Muse

And here I am, gathered beneath

The Tree

Wanting to be worthy of

Your Light
Your Fire
Your Healing.

Needing Your Love in my soul.
silverhawk79: (Default)
Rhiannon, Mother, is calling you
Her birds of comfort hailing you
"Lullaby, my child, and good night,
Sweet sleep be yours until the bright dawn's light."

Moon above a bright blue sky,
Shining auras a halo within my sleeping eye,
I dream of a realm where Night holds no fear
And Rhiannon, Mother, wipes away my tears.

Rhiannon, Mother, send me your birds
And bring me peace.
silverhawk79: (Default)
So, I've been thinking about how I approach people and how I approach life in general. I'm taking steps to make changes, so I don't get what I've always gotten. But this part is so very difficult.

My dad is an alcoholic. My mom was very codependent when I was growing up. I couldn't tell you for sure whether that changed when she split from my dad, but she does seem to be less codependent now than she was when I was little. Still though, that was my model. Always be the strong one, even when you're breaking inside and can barely stand. Never show that weakness. Sacrifice everything for someone until there's nothing left of yourself to give, because that's love. Stay in the relationship if you still love them, even if they're destroying you, because true love is all-sacrificing.

Well, fuck all that.

In the next phase of my life, I am looking for someone to take care of me a little, because I've never had that. I've been the caregiver forever. I want someone who is concerned about my well-being and who, without being asked a million times, helps me meet my needs. It would be a plus if he meets my needs all by himself, but I'm not going to ask that just yet. I don't want the pendulum to swing too far the other way. I also want someone with whom I can be utterly vulnerable, and trust that they will be there with me in that vulnerability without exploiting it.

There are other requirements, too, but I'm not going to list them here right now. I'm not looking right now anyway, and those other requirements might change by the time I am looking again.

Anyway, that's all for now. Thanks for listening.
silverhawk79: (Default)
Rhiannon, send your birds to me
Take this pain away from me
Guide me where I cannot see
Help me to be free.
Help me to endure,
Be strong as I was before,
In the face of unjust treatment,
Unkind gossip, malicious intent.
Help me to maintain
My Sovereignty, my autonomy.
Rhiannon, Mother, Wise One, Queen,
Help me to see and to be seen.

Bad things

Jul. 17th, 2017 08:58 am
silverhawk79: (Default)
Some stuff happened the last two weekends that has convinced me I need to strengthen my boundaries and reorder my priorities.

I have been letting people manipulate my emotions.

I have been far too flexible with people in my life who do not make time for me, but instead share their spare time with me when it's convenient.

I have allowed others to make me an object of gossip, and to damage my reputation.

(As hard as I am working on not giving a spoon about what others think of me, it's hard when people who have known you for the better part of two decades believe a lie about you and spread it to others.)

So no more of that. If I come crashing down on you with something that feels like a new rule or a new line drawn in the sand, know that this is a protective measure for me. I'm tired of getting what I've always gotten, so I have to change what I'm doing to bring new, healthy things into my life.

Also, I have a new mantra: "I am an intelligent, independent, professional woman with a doctorate. I don't have time for your bullshit."

Thanks for listening.
silverhawk79: (Default)
I'm caught in the in-between
Find myself wanting to scream
Not understanding why you walked away
Not knowing what is left to say.

I sit here and stare out the window
Wishing I knew how to let you go
And coming to the conclusion
That our love was a delusion.

Why can't you be honest,
Say the things that need saying?
Why do you hide from me,
With all these games you're playing?

You don't speak to me.
You don't see me.
You don't hear me.
You don't witness me.

I don't need you.
I don't want you.
I still love you.
But I won't have you.

It is done. It is gone.
Get out of my mind before I do.

Get thee gone, my lover.
Get thee gone, for it is over.
silverhawk79: (Default)
I've been feeling like everything is unfair lately. It's stupid, because I know for a fact that life is never fair. That's just how things are. But part of me doesn't give a crap about logic or fact. Part of me only wants to wallow in hurt. This is the part of me that wants to hide in the blanket fort and cry all day.

I kicked that part of me today. Hard. I told it to STFU. Hurting is ok, but letting it stop me from being functional is not ok. Loving someone who has hurt me is ok; acting on it, pining for it, failing to move on from it, these are not acceptable. Feeling jealousy over my ex's luck and options is ok; letting it consume my life is not. Feeling is ok, but letting it spiral downward into the oblivion that is waiting for me is not. Even if it would be understandable under the circumstances. Even if another person in my shoes would crumble under the weight of this. Fuck that. It's not me.

There are other hurts as well that I'm not going to go into here. That's not what this is about, really. Those hurts are secondary to the primary hurt that is the end of my life as I've known it for 6 years. Maybe longer than 6 years. Maybe my whole life.

I'm moving on now, from this tragic bullshit. A lot of my posts have had the tag #byefelicia on them. That's exactly what is needed now-- an attitude of "get thee gone from my presence, because you are unworthy of my time and notice."

So now that I've felt the feelings, I'm going to let them go and move on.

Bye Felicia. May it work out for the best for you. I'm going my own way now.
silverhawk79: (Default)
I feel like I've been forcing things lately.

I've been forcing myself to do things that are outside my comfort zone, but for the wrong reasons. I've been forcing myself to stay awake when I need rest, for the sake of comfort that never comes. I've been forcing myself to contact people who don't really want to hear from me, mostly out of fear.

It's time to be a hermit a little bit and retreat into my shell.

I have a great capacity for intellectual discussion-- something I love, something I actually kind of thrive on-- but I am exhausted, and that has muddled my every conversation lately. Most of my thoughts these days are laden with anxiety, or are themselves so dark that they frighten me. These are signs of mental exhaustion, at least for me. When I am rested, focused, and at peace with myself, I don't feel this way or think this way. But for too long, I have let outside things influence that inner peace. There may be legitimate reasons for that influence, but it still has caused unnecessary chaos in any event. That stops now.

If you don't see me around as much, know that it's because I need this space, and not because I'm shadow dumping you.

I love you all.
silverhawk79: (Default)
This has been the recurring theme of my life. Mostly, emotional abandonment, or some deep rooted fear of it, has kept me from standing up for myself or making waves. It started with my parents, and has shadowed my two marriages, all my long-term romantic relationships, and probably more than half my relationships with people just generally. Because I was afraid that my value was somehow tied to what others thought of me, and whether they thought I was worth being around. Because somehow, just existing didn't merit me a place of my own, or an inherent value beyond what I could do for other people.

A friend very recently did a shamanic style journey for me and cut the cord that was tethering me in the cesspool that was my emotionally abandoned life. I already feel the change.

Things that would have kept me "in my place" even a couple weeks ago no longer bother me.

You want to leave me to clean up your mess while you go have fun? Bye, Felicia. Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. Or rather, let it. I don't care.

You want to threaten me with cutting off contact if I don't do as you wish? Screw you and the horse you rode in on. I don't give a flying fuck anymore.

You want me to live my life in fear of rejection or abandonment-- physical or emotional-- so you can continue to benefit while I slowly lose my mind? Sorry, pal. Here's a dollar, go buy yourself a nice hot cup of STFU and get thee gone.

Now, to clear out the cesspool so it becomes the pleasant swimming hole it was always meant to be.
silverhawk79: (Default)
I talked to Jen today. We went over some of the disturbing things that happened to me last week, and then we talked about why it is that I feel like I have nothing going for me but my smarts. We also talked about why I get so upset when it feels like people are disregarding the fact that I have intelligence. Some of the conclusions I came to are rather revelatory.

I was always "the smart one." I was never the funny one, or the pretty one, or the charming one, or the talented one. Not according to my parents anyway. And not according to most of the people that I knew either. That became so ingrained in me, that even as an adult, even as of a couple of years ago, I would tell everyone "I got all the brains, my sister got all the looks, and my brother got all the charm."

Except that I am a lot more than just a smart person. It doesn't matter how high my IQ is. I'm spiritual person, a talented person in many ways, and I have an understanding and insight into human character that a lot of other people don't have. My skills are all over the map. But because of how I have pigeonholed myself, people who don't know me well don't see it. And, as Jen pointed out, people find me intimidating. I've been told that before by other people, and I don't really fully understand it, but apparently that's the case.

We did an exercise, and she asked me to name positive things about myself, things unrelated to my intelligence. I had a really hard time doing that. It took me a full 15 minutes to come up with the few things I listed above.

So, I'm asking for help. If you see me disparaging myself, or undervaluing myself as to things other than intelligence, yell at me. I need the reinforcement.

Thank you for listening.
silverhawk79: (Default)
I've been feeling extremely agitated today. The feeling isn't much different than what I felt yesterday, or the day before, or really at all last week, but I feel like I'm on the brink of some sort of breakthrough. I feel like that's the reason why I feel so restless. I wish that I knew exactly what would help me break through whatever barrier is there, but I'm at a loss. I still kind of feel overwhelmed by everything that's going on, and I know I'm going to feel that way for awhile, because this is not the first time I've been through a divorce. However, the last time, I didn't have a child to worry about. If I defaulted on my bills, or I didn't work hard enough and got fired from my job, I starved alone. Now, however, I have to worry about her. I can't just take an apartment where ever I feel like, or have whomever volunteers as a roommate, because she has to be my priority. And honestly, she is what's keeping me from completely losing my mind. But fear of screwing this up for her has cranked my anxiety up several notches.

I think what I really need right now is to spend some time in nature, by myself, or with someone who gets it. And then I think I need cuddles, from someone who gives a crap about me, inside of a blanket fort. Those things won't make the problems go away, but they should ground me sufficiently so that I don't feel like everything is flying around me 1000 miles an hour.

But enough of me complaining. I need to go hang out with some lawyers now, and get some stupid CLE credits, and pretend that I'm fine.
silverhawk79: (Default)
I'm not sure if it's the fact that I spent the entire day around my family or what, but I'm feeling extremely off. I'm agitated. I can't get comfortable. And I seriously want to punch the person in the room with me right now, and I can't.

Today, while I was at the Mother's Day party with my family, I had a discussion with my brother and his fiancee about the condo. That's not going to work out, because their break even is $1000 more a month than I can possibly pay. So now I have to start hunting. I have a lead on three different places in my price range in the town where I want to move, but that probably won't happen until July now, which means I have to enroll my kid in summer camp up here, at least for the first 4 weeks. That also means staying here longer, because I'm not leaving her behind-- not even for a couple weeks.

In the meantime, I don't have any space of my own here, and it's starting to wear on me. There's nowhere I can go in my own home where I'm not dealing with him or having him in my face, except maybe the bathroom. My mom doesn't think I should move into the attic. She thinks I should just put an air mattress in my kid's room and sleep in there. But that doesn't solve the personal space problem. I love my daughter more than anything in this world, but she hears and repeats everything I say, and I can't have quiet time with her there. So I need to either move into the attic, or slowly go insane as I stay in a bedroom with the man I'm divorcing. It's a no-brainer, but it is going to take effort, and right now, I don't feel like doing a G-D thing.

I'm too tired to move stuff up there right now, just like I was too tired this morning. I'm hoping that tomorrow, while he has her at dance class, I will be able to do it. Because I'm tired of this shit. Seriously. I need my own space.
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