silverhawk79: (Default)
So, I've been thinking about how I approach people and how I approach life in general. I'm taking steps to make changes, so I don't get what I've always gotten. But this part is so very difficult.

My dad is an alcoholic. My mom was very codependent when I was growing up. I couldn't tell you for sure whether that changed when she split from my dad, but she does seem to be less codependent now than she was when I was little. Still though, that was my model. Always be the strong one, even when you're breaking inside and can barely stand. Never show that weakness. Sacrifice everything for someone until there's nothing left of yourself to give, because that's love. Stay in the relationship if you still love them, even if they're destroying you, because true love is all-sacrificing.

Well, fuck all that.

In the next phase of my life, I am looking for someone to take care of me a little, because I've never had that. I've been the caregiver forever. I want someone who is concerned about my well-being and who, without being asked a million times, helps me meet my needs. It would be a plus if he meets my needs all by himself, but I'm not going to ask that just yet. I don't want the pendulum to swing too far the other way. I also want someone with whom I can be utterly vulnerable, and trust that they will be there with me in that vulnerability without exploiting it.

There are other requirements, too, but I'm not going to list them here right now. I'm not looking right now anyway, and those other requirements might change by the time I am looking again.

Anyway, that's all for now. Thanks for listening.
silverhawk79: (Default)
Rhiannon, send your birds to me
Take this pain away from me
Guide me where I cannot see
Help me to be free.
Help me to endure,
Be strong as I was before,
In the face of unjust treatment,
Unkind gossip, malicious intent.
Help me to maintain
My Sovereignty, my autonomy.
Rhiannon, Mother, Wise One, Queen,
Help me to see and to be seen.

Bad things

Jul. 17th, 2017 08:58 am
silverhawk79: (Default)
Some stuff happened the last two weekends that has convinced me I need to strengthen my boundaries and reorder my priorities.

I have been letting people manipulate my emotions.

I have been far too flexible with people in my life who do not make time for me, but instead share their spare time with me when it's convenient.

I have allowed others to make me an object of gossip, and to damage my reputation.

(As hard as I am working on not giving a spoon about what others think of me, it's hard when people who have known you for the better part of two decades believe a lie about you and spread it to others.)

So no more of that. If I come crashing down on you with something that feels like a new rule or a new line drawn in the sand, know that this is a protective measure for me. I'm tired of getting what I've always gotten, so I have to change what I'm doing to bring new, healthy things into my life.

Also, I have a new mantra: "I am an intelligent, independent, professional woman with a doctorate. I don't have time for your bullshit."

Thanks for listening.
silverhawk79: (Default)
I'm caught in the in-between
Find myself wanting to scream
Not understanding why you walked away
Not knowing what is left to say.

I sit here and stare out the window
Wishing I knew how to let you go
And coming to the conclusion
That our love was a delusion.

Why can't you be honest,
Say the things that need saying?
Why do you hide from me,
With all these games you're playing?

You don't speak to me.
You don't see me.
You don't hear me.
You don't witness me.

I don't need you.
I don't want you.
I still love you.
But I won't have you.

It is done. It is gone.
Get out of my mind before I do.

Get thee gone, my lover.
Get thee gone, for it is over.
silverhawk79: (Default)
I've been feeling like everything is unfair lately. It's stupid, because I know for a fact that life is never fair. That's just how things are. But part of me doesn't give a crap about logic or fact. Part of me only wants to wallow in hurt. This is the part of me that wants to hide in the blanket fort and cry all day.

I kicked that part of me today. Hard. I told it to STFU. Hurting is ok, but letting it stop me from being functional is not ok. Loving someone who has hurt me is ok; acting on it, pining for it, failing to move on from it, these are not acceptable. Feeling jealousy over my ex's luck and options is ok; letting it consume my life is not. Feeling is ok, but letting it spiral downward into the oblivion that is waiting for me is not. Even if it would be understandable under the circumstances. Even if another person in my shoes would crumble under the weight of this. Fuck that. It's not me.

There are other hurts as well that I'm not going to go into here. That's not what this is about, really. Those hurts are secondary to the primary hurt that is the end of my life as I've known it for 6 years. Maybe longer than 6 years. Maybe my whole life.

I'm moving on now, from this tragic bullshit. A lot of my posts have had the tag #byefelicia on them. That's exactly what is needed now-- an attitude of "get thee gone from my presence, because you are unworthy of my time and notice."

So now that I've felt the feelings, I'm going to let them go and move on.

Bye Felicia. May it work out for the best for you. I'm going my own way now.
silverhawk79: (Default)
I feel like I've been forcing things lately.

I've been forcing myself to do things that are outside my comfort zone, but for the wrong reasons. I've been forcing myself to stay awake when I need rest, for the sake of comfort that never comes. I've been forcing myself to contact people who don't really want to hear from me, mostly out of fear.

It's time to be a hermit a little bit and retreat into my shell.

I have a great capacity for intellectual discussion-- something I love, something I actually kind of thrive on-- but I am exhausted, and that has muddled my every conversation lately. Most of my thoughts these days are laden with anxiety, or are themselves so dark that they frighten me. These are signs of mental exhaustion, at least for me. When I am rested, focused, and at peace with myself, I don't feel this way or think this way. But for too long, I have let outside things influence that inner peace. There may be legitimate reasons for that influence, but it still has caused unnecessary chaos in any event. That stops now.

If you don't see me around as much, know that it's because I need this space, and not because I'm shadow dumping you.

I love you all.
silverhawk79: (Default)
This has been the recurring theme of my life. Mostly, emotional abandonment, or some deep rooted fear of it, has kept me from standing up for myself or making waves. It started with my parents, and has shadowed my two marriages, all my long-term romantic relationships, and probably more than half my relationships with people just generally. Because I was afraid that my value was somehow tied to what others thought of me, and whether they thought I was worth being around. Because somehow, just existing didn't merit me a place of my own, or an inherent value beyond what I could do for other people.

A friend very recently did a shamanic style journey for me and cut the cord that was tethering me in the cesspool that was my emotionally abandoned life. I already feel the change.

Things that would have kept me "in my place" even a couple weeks ago no longer bother me.

You want to leave me to clean up your mess while you go have fun? Bye, Felicia. Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. Or rather, let it. I don't care.

You want to threaten me with cutting off contact if I don't do as you wish? Screw you and the horse you rode in on. I don't give a flying fuck anymore.

You want me to live my life in fear of rejection or abandonment-- physical or emotional-- so you can continue to benefit while I slowly lose my mind? Sorry, pal. Here's a dollar, go buy yourself a nice hot cup of STFU and get thee gone.

Now, to clear out the cesspool so it becomes the pleasant swimming hole it was always meant to be.
silverhawk79: (Default)
I talked to Jen today. We went over some of the disturbing things that happened to me last week, and then we talked about why it is that I feel like I have nothing going for me but my smarts. We also talked about why I get so upset when it feels like people are disregarding the fact that I have intelligence. Some of the conclusions I came to are rather revelatory.

I was always "the smart one." I was never the funny one, or the pretty one, or the charming one, or the talented one. Not according to my parents anyway. And not according to most of the people that I knew either. That became so ingrained in me, that even as an adult, even as of a couple of years ago, I would tell everyone "I got all the brains, my sister got all the looks, and my brother got all the charm."

Except that I am a lot more than just a smart person. It doesn't matter how high my IQ is. I'm spiritual person, a talented person in many ways, and I have an understanding and insight into human character that a lot of other people don't have. My skills are all over the map. But because of how I have pigeonholed myself, people who don't know me well don't see it. And, as Jen pointed out, people find me intimidating. I've been told that before by other people, and I don't really fully understand it, but apparently that's the case.

We did an exercise, and she asked me to name positive things about myself, things unrelated to my intelligence. I had a really hard time doing that. It took me a full 15 minutes to come up with the few things I listed above.

So, I'm asking for help. If you see me disparaging myself, or undervaluing myself as to things other than intelligence, yell at me. I need the reinforcement.

Thank you for listening.
silverhawk79: (Default)
I've been feeling extremely agitated today. The feeling isn't much different than what I felt yesterday, or the day before, or really at all last week, but I feel like I'm on the brink of some sort of breakthrough. I feel like that's the reason why I feel so restless. I wish that I knew exactly what would help me break through whatever barrier is there, but I'm at a loss. I still kind of feel overwhelmed by everything that's going on, and I know I'm going to feel that way for awhile, because this is not the first time I've been through a divorce. However, the last time, I didn't have a child to worry about. If I defaulted on my bills, or I didn't work hard enough and got fired from my job, I starved alone. Now, however, I have to worry about her. I can't just take an apartment where ever I feel like, or have whomever volunteers as a roommate, because she has to be my priority. And honestly, she is what's keeping me from completely losing my mind. But fear of screwing this up for her has cranked my anxiety up several notches.

I think what I really need right now is to spend some time in nature, by myself, or with someone who gets it. And then I think I need cuddles, from someone who gives a crap about me, inside of a blanket fort. Those things won't make the problems go away, but they should ground me sufficiently so that I don't feel like everything is flying around me 1000 miles an hour.

But enough of me complaining. I need to go hang out with some lawyers now, and get some stupid CLE credits, and pretend that I'm fine.
silverhawk79: (Default)
I'm not sure if it's the fact that I spent the entire day around my family or what, but I'm feeling extremely off. I'm agitated. I can't get comfortable. And I seriously want to punch the person in the room with me right now, and I can't.

Today, while I was at the Mother's Day party with my family, I had a discussion with my brother and his fiancee about the condo. That's not going to work out, because their break even is $1000 more a month than I can possibly pay. So now I have to start hunting. I have a lead on three different places in my price range in the town where I want to move, but that probably won't happen until July now, which means I have to enroll my kid in summer camp up here, at least for the first 4 weeks. That also means staying here longer, because I'm not leaving her behind-- not even for a couple weeks.

In the meantime, I don't have any space of my own here, and it's starting to wear on me. There's nowhere I can go in my own home where I'm not dealing with him or having him in my face, except maybe the bathroom. My mom doesn't think I should move into the attic. She thinks I should just put an air mattress in my kid's room and sleep in there. But that doesn't solve the personal space problem. I love my daughter more than anything in this world, but she hears and repeats everything I say, and I can't have quiet time with her there. So I need to either move into the attic, or slowly go insane as I stay in a bedroom with the man I'm divorcing. It's a no-brainer, but it is going to take effort, and right now, I don't feel like doing a G-D thing.

I'm too tired to move stuff up there right now, just like I was too tired this morning. I'm hoping that tomorrow, while he has her at dance class, I will be able to do it. Because I'm tired of this shit. Seriously. I need my own space.

Drive

May. 1st, 2017 07:16 pm
silverhawk79: (Default)
Drive
---------

Stick my hand out the window,
Catch the cool night air,
Moisture forming a cloud there.

It wasn't my tears.
It was never my tears.

Drive as fast as I can,
Winding roads disappearing
Behind the red tail lights.

I had no fear.
Never had any fear.

Put my heart out there,
Said what needed saying,
And you heard it.

But that wasn't my fear,
Never shed any tears.

The response was expected,
Anticipated even,
There could be no other way.

But still, here, there was fear.
Still, here, there were tears.

Worse now is the silence,
Because no matter the answer,
You're still my friend.

Forget all the tears,
Listen to me, and hear.

I'm fine, and I mean it.
Please know that--
Believe it.

I have no more fear.
There are no more tears.

I love you and miss you,
Because you're my friend,
And we share that bond.

I have no more fear.
I will shed no more tears.

Please don't walk away.
At least, not for good.
Let me know if you're not ok.

This is my real fear.
And this, this will leave me in tears.

True Love

May. 1st, 2017 12:27 pm
silverhawk79: (Default)
I wept, sitting, staring straight ahead. My heart ached. My mind raced. Then, suddenly, stillness overtook me. And that small, still voice in me said, "You begged me to bring you the love of your life, my dear, and I have. In fact, it's always been there. Can't you see? It's you. It's always been you. Look in the mirror and know that it's you, and never forget that."

silverhawk79: (Default)
My feelings have been all over the map of late. Last night, they came to a head around bedtime, as they so often do.

Jen warned me to hold off on thinking too much at bedtime for that reason, and to revisit things in the morning. Still, I couldn't stop the feelings I was having.

They stem from abandonment.

I've been emotionally abandoned by people I care about so many times that I spend most of my time waiting for the other shoe to drop. It takes forever for me to trust people with all my secrets, and there are maybe 3 people in the world who know all of them. And one of those three gets paid to listen to me ramble once a week.

The conclusion I've come to about that feeling is that I can't spend my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can't worry anymore about whether someone is going to walk away. If they walk away after I have trusted them and let them into my heart, that is outside my control. There isn't anything I can do about it, and anxietizing about it won't fix a damned thing.

So here goes the plunge into giving 0 fucks whether someone walks out the door on me. It's outside my control. And what I cannot control, I should no longer fear. It is inevitable, and I am more than strong enough to deal with whatever consequences arise from it.

Feelings

Apr. 24th, 2017 09:26 am
silverhawk79: (Default)
A few weeks ago, I made the decision to take a break from actively seeking dates. I changed some stuff on my profiles on dating websites, let the paid ones lapse, and only really responded to people who had already been in contact with me before I made the decision. I think that was more out of a desire to practice talking to other grown-ups in that context, as well as courtesy, than anything else.

Last week, I met someone for coffee. He was really nice, and funny, and he told me I gave him butterflies in his stomach before we met in person. He said my photos didn't do me justice. He wants to meet again.

And I don't feel anything for him. At all.

Just like all the other guys from the internet who have talked to me, sent me photos, whatever, in the last 2 months.

When I was single the last time, over 7 years ago, I might at least have felt flattered. Someone actually thinks I'm prettier than my pictures. Someone actually likes me, and I make them nervous in a good way.

But I don't. Not this time.

I feel like I just want to move on, immediately, because I know he's not the right one.

I feel like I want to give my affections to someone I actually love, and not waste my time elsewhere.

Someone said to me recently that I shouldn't have to think or consider what I feel. I should just feel it. And I guess the reason I found that concept so odd is because I always feel and then sort. I compartmentalize. I label and categorize and put things in a box for later consideration. Above all, I exercise caution and restraint before acting on a feeling. Because that's what I was always taught to do.

That needs to stop. How many times have my feelings, my instincts, been spot on? How many times could my own misery have been prevented if I had gone with my feelings and intuitions about things and not spent time logically considering every aspect and angle of things before making a decision?

True, logic has its place, even in affairs of the heart. But I've been giving it too much of a place.

So I guess this is where I stop exercising the amount of restraint I've had in telling people how I feel, for fear of hurting them or upsetting them or making things awkward. Here is where the thinking takes a far back seat to the feeling.

Be forewarned.
silverhawk79: (Default)
Be careful what you wish for...

So, I was emotionally numb for like 4 days this week. And then about an hour after my interview for the promotion, I started tearing up for no reason at all. I finally felt something, and it was sadness. And anger. And bitterness, and regret. And love. Lots of love, which I want to express and can't. Because timing fucking blows.

I had a phone appointment with Jen, during which time I mostly cried and talked to her about the underlying feelings I was having. She gave me words of encouragement, and she told me she thinks I'm capable of doing what needs to be done in my life. And I'm trying to believe her.

My eyes are still sore from crying, even though it's been almost 12 hours since I talked to her. And I am exhausted, emotionally and physically, from being in this state. And on top of everything else, while driving to pick up the guitar I ordered last week, I got caught using my GPS (which is on my phone) and issued a ticket for cell phone use, which has a mandatory court appearance and a minimum $200 fine. I'm batting 1.000 today. I just want to hide until everything feels better, but I can't, because I have too much adult bullshit to take care of.

I'm trying to remain positive, but it's becoming increasingly more difficult to do so.

So I ended up taking tomorrow off, which is for the best. I don't want to go to work tomorrow and pretend that everything is OK when, in fact, it is not. I'm going to take care of some personal errands and such, and then practice my guitar and spend some time in nature, if the weather cooperates. Because I need to do things that take my mind off all the bad stuff that's happening around me.

Sorry if this is rambling, but it's late and I'm exhausted. I was supposed to be in bed an hour ago. I should go do that now.

Thank you for listening.

Numb

Apr. 20th, 2017 10:31 am
silverhawk79: (Default)
The last several days, I've been emotionally numb on and off. I'm pretty sure I know what caused it, and I know what the ultimate solution is as well. But part of me is afraid to open that floodgate. Once I open it up, all kinds of horrible shit is likely to spill out, and it's going to make things really, really unpleasant for a bit. Maybe more than a bit. Maybe for weeks. I'm not sure.

I'm planning to open up that floodgate tonight, before bed. I'm prepared to call out sick tomorrow if necessary to deal with the emotional aftermath. Because I'm tired of being numb. So if I'm distant or sad or screaming the next time you speak to me, don't panic. It's to be expected.

I Miss You

Apr. 12th, 2017 02:08 pm
silverhawk79: (Default)
I Miss You
---------------
I miss the hell out of you,
More than I have any right to.
Miss the words whispered in each other's ears--
Tales of rage, desire, love; tales of sadness and fear.

I long to feel your arms around me--
Protective, comforting, strong, surrounding.
My head on your chest, hearing your heart beat,
Knowing there is more to you than just the flesh beneath.

But I want the flesh, too-- I want all of you.
I want the bad moods and the good,
The sorrow, the sarcasm, the sullen expressions;
The joy, the hope, the compelling passion.

I miss the hell out of you,
More than I have any right to.
silverhawk79: (Default)
When you are sleeping,
I pore over our conversations,
Hanging on your every word
And writing them on my heart.

At Sunset

Apr. 4th, 2017 08:52 pm
silverhawk79: (Default)
I watch an ever purpling sky,
And orange and pink and crimson hues
Reflect on the rippling water.

Trees surround me,
With their gentle whispers,
Calling me to worship.

I stand in their awesome presence
Hearing birds, and the occasional highway sound
Watching the sun die for the day.

It is enough to know
That I am part of this cycle.
So I meld into the growing mists like a spirit of the air.

Lessons

Apr. 4th, 2017 06:06 pm
silverhawk79: (Default)
I learned that I am strong and wise within, but also that I don't want to have to be strong all the time.

I learned that I miss *you*, I miss talking to you, I miss sending you silly memes and saying whatever ridiculous thing comes into my head, knowing you will immediately catch on to 98% of it. I miss all of you--- from your smirk, to the way you talk about music and poetry and the things that are important to you. I miss your ability to make light of almost any topic and cheer me up when I am sad and hurting. I miss being the one who will sit with you on the internet until all hours, crying for you because someone else broke your heart.

I love you. And I am in love with you. And I have been for months, even if you will never return the feeling.

And if you won't, then I need to find a way to do what I don't want to do--- be strong again--- and get over you. Because otherwise, I will never heal enough to find someone who *will* love me the way I deserve.

And the sad part is, right now, if you said to me that you loved me, I would do whatever you wanted, just to see you smile. And a loyalty like that, a love like that, deserves so much more than being strong and wise and alone. It deserves full reciprocation.

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